A window to a soul

Coping/Compassion

How many times have I heard "I don't know how you're coping" or "I don't think I could cope if I went through the same tragedy". But life does go on, even if it might take a long time to find a way and/or to realize it. The secret of coping is to just do what will make you feel better. Whether that is to cry all day, go on a shopping spree, or simply be alone. But what's most important is not to let other people tell you you're not grieving "right". There is no "right" way, grieving is a personal process. What might make "me" feel better is not necessarily something that would work for everybody. Another thing to remember is that it is also individual how long you will be grieving, there is no timetable. Just because someone told you that after 9 months "they" felt better, that does not mean that you will, there are just too many variables that come into place. Like... whether you lost your first child...or last. Whether you are 20... or 40. Whether you can get pregnant again soon, or never again. In my case I felt a great sense of relief once Alex's first birthday came and went. All the "firsts" were gone now, and it was easier to deal with all the new holidays simply because I had been there before. A little over a month later I found out I was pregnant again, we were in the middle of buying a new house, and I was at a new job too. So much was going on... not much time to dwell anymore. But it was only after Nicky's birth that I felt healed. Not to say that I forgot about Alex. To be healed just means that the dwelling is gone and I accepted his death. I still am, and probably always will be coping. There are times that the pain is so acute it's almost as if no time has passed at all. But the difference is that now I know myself, I know my grief, and I not only know that it's not a constant pain, but the pain that does come every now and then it's a little reminder of a little boy I love so very much. So, in a way, it's a welcomed kind of pain. I always feel like I am coping as far as Nicky is concerned as well. His illness is one that is forever present. I can never count on an elbow to "heal", for example, because I know it's only a matter of days until it will get injured again. It is very depressing. A never ending pain. What helps me cope is talking with other parents in my same situation... I don't know what I would do without them!! Thankfully my friends are real friends, and have been helping me greatly in a variety in different ways.

It is amazing to me how much more compassionate I've become towards other people's tragedies. I get a chill up my spine every time I hear of a child dying... of any age, when I hear of a plane crash, or someone dying of an illness. It's almost as if I can "feel" their pain. Probably because I know what their pain does feel like. And I have also learned what to say and what to do. In a way I feel "whole", because I've experienced something that will for ever remind me how special life is, and how hard of a road the survivors have to travel. But I would give it all back just to have my Alex with me again, or to be able to pick up Nicky from his armpits and never hear him crying out in pain again. I've also become a lot more compassionate towards people's illnesses, especially in children. I can't help but have a good cry if I see a show about a disabled child. When I see the mom talk and cry, I feel like I am her. I know the pain, I feel the pain and I understand it.

I want to post here Leo Rosten's words as written in Dr. Laura Schlessinger's book "How could you do that?":
>>I cannot believe that the purpose of life is to be "happy". I think the purpose of life is to be useful, to be responsible, to be compassionate. It is above all, to matter, to count, to stand for something, to have made some difference that you lived at all.<<

A hard path can be scary and is traveled with great difficulty.
But it's the only one that can really strengthen our soul.

By Jack Goldfree-Translated by Silvia

Nothing that comes easy is worth having.

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