A window to a soul

Friendships

That old saying is true "A friend in need is a friend indeed". When you go through something as traumatic as the death of your child, you do find out who your friends really are.

Like everyone, I had some friends that didn't know what to say or do, so they said/did nothing. That does not make them 'bad' friends, just 'uncomfortable' friends, and unfortunately these friends built a distance that will be hard to overcome. Then there were those great friends that were there with a card, a hand to hold, a "how are you" (and they really meant it), which saved the day, weeks, months, and even years to come. I was also unfortunate to find out that one of my friends was not really a friend at all. As a matter of fact, with a friend like her...who needs enemies?? About a month after Alex's death she just 'had' to let me know that knowing about my misfortune made her last week of pregnancy "pure hell", and that I had been insensitive, cruel and uncompassionate to do this to her. Needless to say, her baby was fine, her labor went fine and everything was hunky dory in her life, ...while my son was six feet under... Did I miss something? Who went through "pure hell" again? I did end up apologizing to her, because I realized that she was in a vulnerable state at the time of the news of Alex's death, but she never returned the favor (and I had been in a MUCH MORE vulnerable state-my child had just died!), unfortunately telling the story louder than any words could have ever said of what kind of a person she really is. An old saying in Italian goes "Certi amici sono meglio persi che trovati"...meaning..."Some friends are better lost than ever found". If you really sit and think about it, her grief cannot even remotely compare to what I was going through, and to kick me while I was down was the lowest low.

But what was most amazing about the entire ordeal is the wonderful people I met at the various support groups who later became my best friends. I share something special with them, our special angels in heaven.

Relatives also fall in this same category. Some built a distance, some came closer. I only had one family member that I needed to illuminate. After learning of all the pictures I took of Alex, she wrote me and told me how 'morbid' that was, to take so many photos of a dead person. I didn't take it too kindly, Alex's photos are my treasures, but I did write her back in a candid way, I told her: "If the only pictures of your only son were the ones of him dead...you would want them too". She agreed, and apologized.

After Nicky's birth, it was once again a trying time for friends and family. I have to say, though, that most people were incredibly supportive and helped me, especially those friends I met at the support group. It means a lot when people call or email just to ask about Nicky, just because they are genuinely concerned about him and me. That means the world to me. Of course, again, there were those individuals that were completely insensitive, who were never there for me, but wanted and "expected" me to be happy of their good fortune (new pregnancies, new healthy babies etcetera). How can I tolerate these people's behaviors? I can't truly be friends with someone that does not take my feelings into consideration, but I don't want enemies, I think I deserve a little more respect than that. Due to my losses and Nicky's condition though, I made many wonderful new and totally 100% understanding friends. All people that have walked in my shoes. I cannot think of a better friend than someone who knows exactly how you feel and sees the world the same way you do. Most people with healthy babies cannot do that. Their child/children are perfectly healthy, and/or they never had to hold their dead baby in their arms. My heartache is beyond most people's field of vision. I may have lost some friendships, but I gained dozens.

Ultimately, Dr. Laura Schlessinger said it best in her book "How could you do that?":
>>The choice others make in their behaviors is not within our control. However, the people we choose to befriend and the behaviors we choose to tolerate are a measure and reflection of us and our character. Letting our friends know that certain behaviors are not the qualities we admire in a friend, therefore choosing not to associate with them, is the honorable way to act.<<

In a way, I have to thank both Alex and Nicky for weeding out my friends. Only the roses are left now, and I sincerely hope I am worthy of their friendship!

It is better to keep our mouth shut and let everyone think we're idiots than open it and remove all doubt!

The past is behind, learn from it;
The future is ahead, prepare for it;
The present is here, live in it.
- Thomas Monson

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