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Alex's Foot
and Hand Prints
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Because Alex was stillborn,
the thing that upset me the most over the years, and mostly at first,
is that I have no tangible memory of him alive. No smiles, no coos,
no cries. No pictures of him alive at all. The only time I saw him and
held him he had already been dead a few days. I don't think most people
can actually comprehend how devastating that feeling really is.
I was told countless
times to just "have another baby"... like you go get another
carton of milk at the store. Alex's life is not replaceable. I can have
a dozen more babies, but I can never get Alex back. Most people think
this way because they never saw the baby, and if Alex would have died
at 1, 5, or 20 years of age, I doubt people would run around telling
me to just 'have another baby".
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With my friend
Diane holding the Quilt where both of our stillborn babies' squares
are.
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So... it became some
sort of a quest to give Alex's life some meaning in making many lasting
memories for myself-in the end making my grief understood by others.
For lack of tangible
memories, I was capable of making some of my own to remember him by.
This may not seem like much, but it's at least something to remind myself
and others that even if he's gone, I am still his mom, and he's still
my child.
One of the things I
really loved is making Quilt squares for him. He's now proudly part
of 3 major quilts. The one pictured was the one made by the local support
group. Alex's square is at the bottom, in the middle. Diane, in the
picture with me holding the quilt, lost a baby girl, Shannon, who was
also stillborn-her quilt square is on the bottom row on the far right,
next to Alex's. The other 2 quilt squares I made for Alex are part of
Pen Parent's, a national pregnancy loss organization, and the EB quilt,
since Alex, like his little brother, suffered from EB-Epidermolysis
Bullosa, although we did not know it at the time.
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Alex's Scrapbook
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The one thing that
I made that is very important to me and means the world to be able to
share is his scrapbook. It contains all his pictures (including his
ultrasound pics), all his mementos, articles, my thoughts, poems, angel
prints, cards, and every thing you can think of that reminds me of him.
I also have a video
that I treasure and I made several copies of for safekeeping... it has
shots of me pregnant, of the delivery and of his birth and me holding
him. To be honest, it is an extremely hard video for me to watch, and
I rarely do except in occasions where I feel the need to see that angelic
face once more.
At birth the nurse
also took some plasters of the baby aside his foot and hand prints.
I later was able to get these bronzed and placed in the plaque you see
below. They are very special to me because they are his actual imprints.
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The plaque
of Alex's actual hand and foot prints.
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The front has his name
and the little bear sleeping, and the back has a memorial plaque with
his full name and date of birth/death.
Over the years I also
got several... I guess you could call them knickknacks. Every angel
sleeping I cannot leave at the store. I have several that are from Precious
Moments, Dreamsicles and others. Some are small, some are big, some
have music, some are hung on the wall, some are on a shelf. They bring
me such comfort I cannot describe. Every Christmas I make a point to
purchase an Angel for the Xmas tree too, and I have found many special
ones over the years, such as the little precious moments little boy
on an airplane that reads "Heaven Bound", or an entire collection
of precious pure white Angels from the Hamilton Collection. My friend
Debbie Kay, who has EB, also sent me an adorable little angels with
EB owies for Alex too...
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Alex's Portrait
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I also hired an artist
to depict Alex from pictures, and she painted this beautiful portrait
of him... he just looks like he is sleeping. In the portrait he is holding
a little bear because he was buried hugging a little bear... he is also
wearing a pure white outfit with a bib that states "Hugs and Kisses"
because that is the outfit he was buried in. His name and dates are
written underneath.
My sister then cross-stitched the portrait of a baby sleeping in the
crib with a little bear. It is adorable. She also cross-stitched a Christmas
ornament of a little angel, with a halo, holding a little bear. All
these things are very meaningful to me.
This website, of course,
it possibly the ultimate tribute I made for Alex, and even though, since
he is dead, I have no opportunity to add any new stuff, somehow I always
find ways to bring new life and memories to a child who was loved very
much but went to heaven too soon. The website was not even online for
a month when a reporter from the Wall Street Journal called me asking
me if he could write about it in an article. 4.5 years later that article
is still posted at the WSJ website. Pretty Amazing.
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The portrait
my sister
cross-stitched in memory of Alex
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But there are many
more things I have done in memory of Alex. To
begin with, I have a beautiful Angel box where I keep the outfit he
wore, the negatives of all his pictures, all the cards I received, emails
too.
I also 'bought' a leaf for the 'Tree of Life' at the hospital where
he was born. It will always be displayed in the entrance in his memory.
A special baby angel adorns the top of the Xmas tree each year, and
a special picture of him is in every room in the house.
This may sound like
a lot for a child that never cried, never smiled and never had a chance.
All these things are mostly for me, his mom, to not only remember him
by, but to help others, who may enter the house, understand that even
though my child may not be with me and on this earth physically, he
will always live in my heart.
Alex is buried several
hundred miles away, because I have moved, but his dad is committed at
bringing flowers to his grave as often as possible. That is very comforting
to me, to know Alex's grave is visited with love.
