Silvia's Pregnancy After Loss Journal

WELCOME!

Hello to All Moms out there! I started this week-by-week diary in an effort to extend a helping and reassuring hand to other moms out there who have been unfortunate enough to experience the heartbreaking loss of a child during pregnancy... you are not alone. Since I am stressed myself, this will also serve as my outlet for self-therapy, and I hope you can gain some insight and a little bit of positivness out of it.

As a short Bio, my first baby, my beautiful dark haired little boy Alex, was stillborn at full term. He was due February 26th, 1995, and died inside of me the day before he was due of what, at the time was guessed, was a cord accident. My labor was induced on February 28th and I finally held my angel on March 1, 1995. He will forever live in my heart. Click here to read his story (a new window will open).

Needless to say my subsequent pregnancies were nothing like the first. With Alex everything was excitement and expectations, happiness and calmness. The next two, and now with the third, stress has become a part of it, stress that I fight to overcome every day.

My second pregnancy ended in miscarriage at 8 weeks along on October 12, 1995. I was already trying not to think about the pregnancy and just let nature take its course, so to speak, when I started bleeding, and bled for several days before I lost the 'sack'. It was such a surreal moment, at times I feel like I dreamt it, and was not really real.

What followed were months of deep depression. Did not want to be a 'quitter', when you fall off a horse, you need to get back on, but it was hard. Finally, on Easter Day 1996, I found out I was pregnant with Nicky. It was through the support of many people that I made it through the 9 months, but it wasn't easy. Because I had lost a baby at the very end of the pregnancy, and one at the beginning, I felt there was no 'safe zone'. What got me through was the support of my co-workers, who were oblivious of my past losses, hence put their best face forward to me, everyone was so happy for me, it really helped. Other moms who lost babies who were also pregnant again were probably the backbone of my support.

The unfortunate thing for me is that, while all the other moms ended up giving birth to healthy babies, my precious little Nicky was instead born with a devastating condition called Epidermolysis Bullosa, the Recessive Dystrophic form, which is so rare, the dermatologist that diagnosed it, knew little about it. How rare? Nicky's form of EB is a one-in-a-million condition. Can I get any luckier please? Why can't I win the lottery instead? So, I felt alone once again, this time unable to find anyone in my shoes. It would not be until a year later I found another parent in my shoes online, and then I started a support system myself. I am now the founder and webmaster of the EB Info World website, which enabled me other parents to find *me*. Our mailing lists now comprise over 200 families worldwide, and the website has grown to over 130 pages of information for parents and patients. Not bad! I've always believed in the power of one.

Life with Nicky hasn't been easy, but I love my little pumpkin more than life itself. Yes, he's in a lot of pain, yes, there is so much he can't do, yes, life for him will never be easy, and if a cure is not found, he might very well die young, but I tell you right now, he's my champion, my inspiration, the love of my life. Click Here to visit Nicky's website (a new window will open)

Nicky's daddy and I's marriage did not survive the heartaches of all these losses and the raising of a disabled child, among other problems our relationship had, and we sadly divorced in 1999. Thankfully I was soon able to rekindle the relationship with the man that I always felt was the one that 'got away'.

I am now 38 years old, so even though we wanted a baby together, I was not sure we could pull it off. After being off the pill for a year and not really trying (by that I mean, I did not take my temperature, buy ovulation kits or have sex on demand!) my positive pregnancy test appeared on January 7th much to my surprise! I mean, I knew it was probably going to happen sooner or later, but it was good for my sanity that we did not really 'try' and then having go through the agony of waiting to find out if it was positive or not month after month! God was good to me this time, this is just what I needed.

I am now hoping and praying for a healthy baby for September 17th, 2003, and my family and friends are all rooting and happy for us.

I will try to keep my positive, rose colored sunglasses on and think of the following quote anytime I feel a little weak:

Worry does not empty tomorrow of its troubles, it only empties today of his strength!

Silvia, 1/12/03

My journal is also available at Storknet.com! Just follow this link!

Click on the week to read more about it!

WEEK 1-4	WEEK 5	WEEK 6
WEEK 7	WEEK 8	WEEK 9
WEEK 10	WEEK 11	WEEK 12
WEEK 13	WEEK 14	WEEK 15
WEEK 16	WEEK 17	WEEK 18
WEEK 19	WEEK 20	WEEK 21
WEEK 22	WEEK 23	WEEK 24
WEEK 25	WEEK 26	WEEK 27
WEEK 28	WEEK 29	WEEK 30
WEEK 31	WEEK 32	WEEK 33
WEEK 34	WEEK 35	WEEK 36
WEEK 37	WEEK 38	BIRTH STORY!